So, here goes nothing ...
I don't want to be a teacher anymore. Ok, let me back up a couple steps. School just started four days ago this year and I'm not planning on giving up on this year or anything. It's just that I absolutely cannot envision myself continuing this for more than this year, one more if necessary.
Last year, my first year of teaching, was anything but ideal. When you're in school to become a teacher, you hear ad nauseam that your first year of teaching will be your hardest. I would agree but somehow doubt that anyone imagines that they will have to go through the pain and agony of being diagnosed with not one but two health issues, have surgery, miss 10+ days of the school year (this is a low estimate, I stopped counting when my days off were no longer paid), have a serious fear of being sued by parents who none of the teachers/the school as a whole could please, teach 150+ students in three different types of classes with two different special ed teachers and three different special ed aides, and somehow manage to meet someone*, fall in love*, and get engaged*. I mean, it's exhausting just to write that and I have no idea how it all fit into a year.
I'd like to say it can't possibly get worse this year, but it's a fear that plagues me. That somehow, someway, it could get worse. No, this is not a post on the state of education in out country, but a sidenote that does add to the stress -- due to the fact that No Child Left Behind requires Adequate Yearly Progress, AYP, (schools must improve each year on their standardized test scores), all schools in the nation will soon have to have 100% pass rates on standardized tests. At this point in time, 75% of this nation's schools did not make AYP last year, so imagine what percentage won't make it when they are expected to have 100% pass rate. The general public tends to blame this "failure" -- as it is defined by NCLB -- on the teachers. So if 100% of students don't pass 100% of their tests, the teacher has failed at their job. If ONE student in the school has a bad day, is sick, nervous, stressed, hot, cold, hungry, or somehow does not have the capacity to pass the test, the entire school has failed for the entire year. Even when we get to the point where it's literally impossible for any school in the nation to make AYP, people are going to turn to the teachers and wonder what we did wrong. I don't want to be reasonable for that, I'd rather find some job where I am the one responsible for my own failures and successes and I'm not relying on the results of 11 year olds.
Anyway, beyond the stress that Bush's administration has put on schools (and because this is not a decidedly political position blog post, Obama's administration has not fixed it or gotten rid of it so they are equally to blame...), I am not happy being a teacher. Am I good at it? I think so, the few times that I was observed last year, I was told that I am a good teacher, and the students tend to agree. Also - 100% of my 28 students that had to take a science SOL last year DID pass, so if that's all the government cares about, then yes, I am a good teacher. Being good at something is not enough. Feeling as though something is what you've grown up to become is also not enough. I grew up in a teacher household, all I knew was school. I played "school" an insisted on being the teacher from a young age. My favorite toy for a good portion of my childhood was a chalkboard. When school ended last June, I thought that having the summer to process the past year and have time away from school, I'd be ready and recharged to head back in September. Instead, I was petrified to go back, and dreaded the last three weeks of summer because I knew I had to go back. I know that although I worked hard in school to become what I thought I always wanted to do, these feelings prove to me that this will not last as my job.
But how can I walk away from a safe job in this economy? And what will I do?
I'm not really sure. I just know that I am the type of person who makes up their mind and that's that. I've decided that I'm not going to be a teacher for 30+ years. I know that there is something in this world that will make me happier and not nearly as stressed as this does and I will find it.
* I am in NO way saying that these things made my first year of teaching hard, just added to the overall life-changing craziness that occurred!
